The thing about serious relationships

The boyfriend and I have passed the four month mark and in all hopes there are many more months to come, but let me just put it up here first and say that I’m not putting a lot of hopes into that.

“What? What? WHAT?” I hear you say. But yeah, you heard me.

The reason why our relationship is still ongoing (trust me, I’m not good at long term relationships, and long term means anything more than six months) is because this is the first time I actually gave a shit about my relationship. I know in the past I’m all “putting in all my love” and all that crap, but I really just lived my life. If the guy I then dated wanted me to drop something for him, sorry, but no, I’m still going on this holiday/trip anyway, or I’m still going out with my friends. My life didn’t revolve around him.

But now, today, this week, I realised that my life revolved around my current boyfriend. Maybe that’s why this relationship has worked, because I put in actual effort for it to work. I don’t disappear to go on a holiday or prioritise my work over him 100% of the time. This is sad, because if this relationship ends, I’d probably be in a wreck.

We’ve talked about all kinds of things that a “serious couple” would talk about – moving in and beyond. And you know what? I’m already failing myself. I don’t want to anticipate anything, because from past experience, anticipating things = great disappointment. From what I know about men, they like to promise you a sky and the whole milky way and forget about it two seconds later. So why bother behaving like anything is serious with this one?

The reason why I’m saying this is because the boyfriend and I had a bump last week – a major one – caused by me. We’ve resolved that now, but it made me take a step back. Relationships, no matter how much you love/trust/are able to communicate etc, end in seconds.

You might wake up one day and realise you don’t love that person anymore.

You might wake up one day, walk into the boulangerie and meet this person who turns out to be your soulmate. Your partner might not have done anything wrong – he/she could be the most perfect person ever and the most doting girlfriend – but you just changed. It happens.

You might wake up one day and think about where you are in life – honestly. You think about how old you are, how your friends are all getting engaged or married, and how you, despite being with your girlfriend of x years, don’t want to get married after all. Or, perhaps, you realise that you don’t want to marry your girlfriend. You’ve just never evaluated this critically throughout the term of your relationship, and you’ve wasted x years of both your lives.

Then again, what or how do we define a happy and healthy medium that lies between “I’m ready for this relationship to end anytime” and “I should think about this relationship long term and plan my life to include my partner in the future”?

Enjoying the relationship as it is doesn’t seem like an answer. Sure, just enjoy it while it lasts – that was my prior approach and look what happened. I was still wrecked. So what now? Should I just have a modified version of “enjoying the relationship”, like if I enjoy my boyfriend’s company, plan things for no more than a year in advance and take a pinch of salt when he says “I love you” because it can end tomorrow?

I guess serious relationships aren’t really serious at all, and while you can trust your partner, you can’t trust circumstances and the future. I’d just know that the next time we have a major bump, I’m ready for things to end and won’t shed a tear.

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